Share & Tell

by Gwen Cooper — April 9, 2007

A time-honored tradition in the early stages of a relationship is the inevitable comparison of sexual histories. It’s generally an oh-so-fun-filled Q&A type of thing, with the Q’s giving you almost as much insight into your partner’s interests/lifestyle as his or her A’s do. Have you ever been part of a threesome? (No.) Was the threesome girl-boy-girl or boy-girl-boy? (See previous answer.) Have you ever had sex in a public place? (Yes—so many times that now, looking back on it, I’m wondering if this qualifies as some sort of fetish.) Have you ever cheated on someone? (My attorneys have advised me to take the Fifth on this one.) How many people have you been with? (Again, see previous answer.)

We all think we want to know the answers to these questions, but few of us tend to be happy with the answers we get—or give, for that matter. I heard a comedian say once that every man’s secret fantasy is an experienced virgin: somebody who knows exactly what she’s doing in bed, but who’s never actually been with anybody but him. But even celibacy can come back to bite you in the backside (as it were). I remember once confiding in a partner that, during a dating dry spell, I’d invested $500 in a super-deluxe vibrator. “Was it worth it?!” he demanded, eyes a-pop. He seemed somewhat put off by my enthusiastic, “Hell, yeah!” There were some…er…performance issues after that, and I think the root cause can be traced back to that particular conversation.

My own belief is that every woman’s secret fantasy—every straight woman, that is—is someone with the phenomenal physique and stamina of a younger man, but with all the experience and knowledge of an older one. So maybe it’s the exact opposite of what this comedian thought men were looking for. For my own part, I’d love to find someone who’s been around the block more times than either of us can count, but who shows no signs of wear-and-tear whatsoever.

Nevertheless, I think I’m adopting a new policy for these discussions. There’s a great line from a Tom Waits song called “Tango Till They’re Sore,” and I’ve decided to make this my stock reply to these sorts of inquiries. I’ll tell you all my secrets, the line goes, but I’ll lie about my past…

Gwen Cooper is the author of Diary of a South Beach Party Girl, to be published this month by Simon & Schuster.