Love and Addiction

by Gwen Cooper — May 21, 2007

Of all the dating experiences I've had over the years, dating addicts has been among the most difficult. This probably goes without saying, but it's a subject that's been on my mind lately. I dated quite a few back in my South Beach days--perhaps unavoidably so, club scenes being what they are--and while the various men were as different from each other in all particulars as it was possible to be, the song, as they say, remained the same.

Functional addicts tend to be exceptionally charismatic people. They have to be if they're to pull off the feat of nursing their addictions while keeping their "co-dependents" close to them. It takes a long time--and an inordinate number of tearful fights, stolen valuables, and four a.m. "I need someone to bail me out" phone calls--before you're ready to throw in the towel, and acknowledge to yourself that the person you love will never love you, or anything, as much as he loves his high.

Which is not to say that addicts are of necessity inherently bad people. They typically fall into two categories. There are the ones who'd be the greatest people you know if only the drug didn't have the better of them, and, once they've gotten help, resume their position as someone you're thrilled to have in your life. Then there's the other type of addict, who's essentially selfish and self-serving at the core. His drug use becomes your excuse for not recognizing this, telling yourself that if only he could get over it, he'd be "himself" again and your dream guy.

I have no handy guide for recognizing the difference between the two. I don't even know if it would be worthwhile to try to put such a guide together, because when all is said and done the only thing you can do for an addict you're involved with--whether he's tragic or just tragically manipulative--is to become uninvolved. I've twisted myself into knots over the years trying to find a way around that reality--not wanting to be a bad person, or unsupportive, or miss out on being with someone essentially wonderful--and have been unable to do so.

As I said, it's a subject that's been on my mind lately, because I have a friend who's going through a similar dynamic with her current boyfriend. The two were, independently of each other, recreational users of cocaine who, in finding each other, seem to be moving from amateur to professional status in the world of competitive consumption. Or, rather, he is. She hasn't stepped up her drug use at all, but is becoming increasingly horrified by his. There have been fights about the money spent, the social activities with other couples missed, and scenes between the two of them so loud that neighbors have called the police.

"You need to get out of it," I told her the other day. "Sooner or later the cops are going to come in and see all the drugs lying around, and they'll arrest both of you--whether it's yours or not--at which point you can your career goodbye." When this provoked no response, I added somewhat more gently, "Besides, no matter how great the two of you may be independently, you're clearly not good for each other."

She refuses to use with him anymore, not wanting to be a part of "his problem." But she fails to recognize that she's doing so simply by remaining there, whether she's using or not. Not to mention that she's providing him with the handiest of all excuses for blaming someone else for his newfound excess. After all, didn't she use to encourage him? Who is she to now turn the tables? As long as there's someone around for him to blame without blaming himself, it'll go on and on and on...

My grandmother used to say, "You can't put your head on someone else's shoulders." By which she meant we're very rarely successful in our attempts to make someone who's caught up in something see it as clearly as we do as outsiders. God knows, I've been there myself. My friend doesn't know that this will be the subject of today's blog. But if she reads it, I hope she'll see what her relationship looks like from the outside--and does what needs to be done.

Gwen Cooper is the author of Diary of a South Beach Party Girl, recently published by Simon & Schuster. To read all of Gwen Cooper's posts in "The Dating Life," click here.