Porn Free

by Gwen Cooper — June 29, 2007

My name is Gwen Cooper. I consider myself a feminist and am, in fact, a dues-paying member of NOW. And, once upon a time, I dated a pornographer.

I should perhaps clarify that the boyfriend in question wasn't a porn actor or anything, nor did he produce or direct pornographic movies or "handle" (ahem) porn stars. On a freelance basis, he did interviews and Q&As with porn actresses and models, and wrote reviews of new movies for various adult magazines. He went to adult industry conventions in Vegas every year and came home with gift bags and product catalogues the contents of which would make an eye-popping blog in and of themselves.

I had friends who would ask if this ever bothered me-either in principle (as a feminist) or in practice (as the girlfriend of a guy who spent large chunks of his time one-on-one with porn actresses). I'll get to the first question in a minute, but I have to say it never bothered me at all. On an obvious level, you either trust the person you're with or you don't. If a guy I'm with is the kind of guy who'll cheat on me simply because he's in a room with a woman who'd probably sleep with him, I'm pretty sure that's a guy I'd rather not be with in the first place.

But, as with anything you're exposed to with too much frequency, he got very tired of the plasticized "perfection" of these women long before I was even on the scene. He never expressed it exactly this way, but his general philosophy when it came to my own appearance seemed to be: "Do you think maybe you could gain ten pounds and let all the hair on your legs grow out?"

Could I?!!?

Seriously, though, a guy who's bored with the way porn stars look is a guy who's probably not a fan of the Brazilian bikini wax-who is, in short, interested in seeing as much hair on a woman's body as she can possibly grow. Being the black-haired Semite I am, that's a man I'm in a position to make very, very happy.

Getting back to the question of whether it's something that bothered me as a feminist, I'd have to say no. To tell you the truth, I too on occasion enjoy watching good-looking people having consensual sex. Frankly, I consider it my God-given right as an American. I'm not talking about porn movies (or any movie, whether it carries the "porn" moniker or not-I'm looking at you, Hostel 2) that are violent and degrading and wrap the whole idea of sexuality up in inflicting physical pain on women. I'm talking about your garden-variety "The Sopornos" kind of film. (I highly recommend the "Sopornos" series, by the way-a fresh-faced, good-looking cast and the dialogue is laugh-out-loud funny.)

I think the problem most women have with porn, and men's consumption of it, is that most men use it as a way of getting away from a monogamous relationship, rather than bringing it in to add to the monogamous relationship. With this particular boyfriend, it probably would have bothered me if it was something he looked at only when I was sleeping, or out of the house, or if he had some huge hidden stash somewhere that I found one day by accident.

I had one of those boyfriends once-a guy with a huge cache of girl-on-girl movies and magazines that I stumbled upon one afternoon while cleaning. It was the first time I learned that this guy was into porn, and I didn't feel great about the way I made the discovery.

Nevertheless, I decided to confront him in a healthy and direct way. "Is seeing me with another woman something you'd want?" I asked-not in any way making the offer, but trying to get to the bottom of what he was looking for in his ideal sexual relationship.

"Absolutely not," he said. "I'd never want to see you with anybody but me." Which I guess was the right answer, but it also meant that he had this entire second sexual life that had nothing at all to do with me-that I could never be a part of.

So again I say: The problem isn't when porn comes into a relationship. The problem is when porn takes somebody out of a relationship

Gwen Cooper is the author of Diary of a South Beach Party Girl, recently published by Simon & Schuster. To read all of Gwen Cooper's posts in "The Dating Life," click here.