Checks and Balances

by Nicholas Allen — June 12, 2007

I'm a single, heterosexual male in his late thirties with a good job and an honest desire to meet The Right Woman. I'm culturally literate but still an avid sports enthusiast. I'll never initiate a conversation about my feelings but will happily answer any direct questions regarding them, and I never blame my mother for any relationship "issues" I have--romantic or otherwise. In fact, I hate the word "issues." I think it's code for "I'm kind of a screwed-up, insensitive jerk with no convenient way of conveying such that absolves me of all responsibility, so instead I've come up with this handy, catch-all excuse." The time for no longer blaming our mothers for our misdeeds is upon us, gentlemen.

But I'll come back to my mother in a minute.

I'm recently single for the first time in several years, and am once again navigating the often tricky waters of first dates. One of the first-date related conundrums that's always potentially volatile is the question: Who picks up the check?

I realize that there are many different philosophies out there, but mine's generally been that the man ought to pay. There are some exceptions. For example, if it's the woman who's asked me out and if she insists on paying after I've offered twice, then I'll let the matter rest. Here's an example of what that situation might sound like:

(waiter delivers check to the table)

Me: (reaching for the check) Allow me.

Her: Don't be silly! I'm the one who asked you out!

Me: Please. I insist.

Her: Absolutely not--it's my pleasure.

My offers to pay are always sincere, because why make an offer of any kind if you don't really mean it? For the most part, however, I think the man should be the one who treats the woman, at least on the first few dates. My mother (I told you we'd come back to her) always stressed that there's a certain line of conduct that falls into the category of "treating a woman right." Also falling into this category are things like opening doors for a woman, pulling back her chair, or standing when she leaves or returns to the table. I have no grand political or economic theory that ties this all together in terms of feminism or gender equality. But I do think that one of the things a smart woman should be considering on a first date is the sincerity or intentions of the man she's out with. Even if the specific ways in which he conveys respect are not the ones that matter most to you, is he at least trying to be respectful, and (more importantly) to make you understand that he's doing so?

What I think is to be avoided at all costs is a 50/50 splitting of the bill. That feels like a business transaction, and nothing is less romantic than a business transaction. People negotiating a deal are always thinking about "I," as in "What do I get out of this? Have I been taken advantage of?" Two people out to have a good time and get to know each other should be thinking about a bigger picture than the sum of its two individual parts, even if that bigger picture is simply an evening well spent. That goes for men and women both, by the way. People on a first date who are preoccupied with whether they ended up putting in a dollar or two more than they should have rarely have anything better to show you around, say, date number ten.

Or so, at least, my mother raised me to believe.

Nicholas Allen is a freelance writer and columnist based in Manhattan.