Up in Smoke

by Nicholas Allen — July 26, 2007

Well, it turns out that asking a girl to quit smoking isn't a second date kind of a thing.

Kyla and I went out on our second date earlier this week. I didn't exactly ask her to quit; instead, I asked if she'd ever thought about quitting. She immediately flared up with, "You're not going to be one of those guys who tells me he can't date me if I'm a smoker, are you?"

I guess it was a question I'd considered--I mean, I've been spending a lot of time wondering if I could keep dating her while she smokes--but I hadn't quite gotten to the point where I had a hard answer. Now, however, I felt as if I was being asked to commit myself one way or the other, irrevocably. It's not like I could answer "no" now and then, say, in a month or so tell her that her smoking was in fact a deal-breaker. But answering "yes" right now seemed like something that might prematurely pull the plug on what could end up being a great thing between us.

So I tried to hedge my bets. "I'm not sure," I told her quite honestly. "I used to be a heavy smoker and it was really hard for me to quit. I'm afraid I might fall back into bad habits if I spend too much time around someone who's still smoking."

We were walking through the Village and had been holding hands when the subject came up, and she now pulled her hand from mine to fish through her purse for a cigarette and a light. "Sorry," she said somewhat apologetically as she lit up. "I smoke when I'm stressed out, and this conversation is stressing me out!" Then she added, sort of under her breath, "There's nothing worse than an ex-smoker. They're like born-again Christians who go around trying to 'save' everybody else."

Clearly, this was a sore spot with her--something she'd heard from several guys before me. I could see her retreating behind the armor she'd clearly built up after one too many men had cut her loose over the smoking issue.

"Believe me," I told her, "I'm not in the business of trying to 'save' anybody but myself."

We dropped the discussion for the time being and headed over to the movie theater to take in the flick we'd planned on seeing. The subject didn't come up again that night, but when I went to kiss her goodnight, I could tell things were awkward. And, of course, I could once again taste the cigarettes on her.

I found myself wondering if there was any way I could persuade her not to smoke around me, even if she wouldn't give it up altogether. But it didn't really seem like a realistic option; if things worked out and we started spending a lot more time together, it's something I'd inevitably have to deal with.

I guess the old saying is true--you can't have your cake and smoke it too.

Nicholas Allen is a writer and columnist based in Manhattan. To read all of his blogs, click here.