Be a Man

by Nicholas Allen — August 28, 2007

There are certain things that I expect my guy friends to bear somewhat manfully, for lack of a better term. Among them is the heartbreak occasionally inflicted on them by the fairer sex. While a strict level of silent, Gary Cooper-esque stoicism may not be feasible, or even desirable, there should be some level of dignity that a man presents to the outside world--as if to say, Yes, this hurts, but I'm taking it like a man.

We live in an imperfect world, however. Perhaps the strongest evidence of this is to be found in my friend Mark. Mark has been in the process of breaking up with one girl for the better part of eight years. This would be bad in and of itself (if quiet dignity indicates manliness, decisiveness does so twice as strongly), but what makes it worse is having spent the past eight years listening to his endless ruminations, speculations, regrets, and general "soul searching" on the subject.

We were discussing his relationship--for the umpteenth time--just the other day, and I was trying to give him a sense of perspective. I pointed out that, since we had first started talking about this girl, thirteen-year-old boys who were studying for their Bar Mitzvahs have graduated from college. A new millennium was celebrated. Two presidential administrations have come and (almost) gone. Other friends of ours have been married and divorced in the interim, and seen their children--not even conceived when Mark started dating this girl--through nursery school and kindergarten graduations and sent them off to first grade. Hamlet's got nothing on this guy when it comes to a general inability to make a freaking decision already! Enough's enough. Piss or get off the pot, as the saying goes. There's only so far your life can progress when you're permanently stuck in neutral.

Nothing, however, is as bad as having to listen to the endless litany of discussions about this relationship that haven't changed in any substantial way in nearly a decade. "I think it's really over this time," he said to me, as he presented the latest evidence of her unfaithfulness/unsympathy/insensitivity/you-name-it.

"Only if there's a God in heaven," I replied. "Which this whole experience with you has caused me to seriously doubt."

What kills me the most is watching as this guy fritters such a significant chunk of his life away. This is a guy who's always wanted kids and a family--who was in his late 30s when he started dating Ms. Wrong and is now pushing 50. What's the long-term affect on your life when you waste this kind of time?

"He says he wants those things, but he doesn't--not really," is Patricia's take on it. "He's terrified, for whatever reason, of a real relationship, so he's been hiding out in this one for as long as he can.

Sometimes, women can be remarkably insightful.

And I guess that makes one more quality I can add to my list of general manliness. Men make decisions. Men accept pain with quiet dignity. And men--no matter how much it might cost them--face their fears.

Nicholas Allen is a writer and columnist based in Manhattan. To read all of his blogs, click here.