Caveat Dater (Let the Dater Beware)

by Gwen Cooper — August 24, 2007

A couple of nights ago, Robert and I played a round of that always-dangerous game, "So Tell Me About Your Exes." It didn't last very long (men never really want to hear about your exes), but it did give way to an equally fascinating discussion about what our "turnoffs" had been back in our pre-relationship days. We didn't play it for very long, because men have a shocking lack of imagination when it comes to such things--confining themselves, either from tact or inclination, to such old standbys as "girls who only eat salads" or "girls who expect you to spend $500 on a first date." But I got together with a few girlfriends the following night, and we were at it for quite some time.

The first thing we had to do was separate random turnoffs from legitimate grievances. For example, I once refused a third date with a guy because he didn't know who Emily Dickinson was. But I should add, lest I be accused of being an intellectual snob, that I had met him at a poetry reading. A guy who goes to a poetry reading having never heard of Emily Dickinson is a guy who's only there to meet women--and that's a legitimate grievance. And also a turnoff, now that I'm thinking about it...

I (a Jew) also broke up with a guy who turned to me out of the clear blue sky one day and said, "You know, if you think about it, the Jews really did kill Christ." But I'd have to categorize latent anti-Semitism (not to mention an appalling lack of cultural sensitivity) as a serious character flaw.

Like everybody else, however, I have my own personal list of completely random and arbitrary turnoffs. I tend to be more concerned with looking for what I do like than what I don't (hey--I'm an optimist), so I wasn't even aware of having such a list until my friends and I were talking the other night.

But I've found, for better or for worse, that I go out of my way to avoid dating men who fall into any of the following categories: men with bad teeth; men with bad breath; men with speech impediments (I'm sorry. I know it sounds mean, but there are some things that just bother the life out of me, even if they shouldn't, and I can't get around it). Guys who ask you out on a first date, pick some super-expensive restaurant, and then expect you to pay half the check. Men who chew with their mouths open. Men who rub their noses a lot. Men who wear tighty-whities (my dad wore tighty-whities and...ew). Men who talk only about themselves and men who have nothing whatsoever to say about themselves.

I also have precious little patience for people who use words incorrectly. For example, I dated a guy who would always suggest that we leave someplace (like a bar, my apartment, etc.) by saying, "Let's cease and desist." "Cease and desist doesn't mean 'leave,'" I would tell him. "It means to stop doing something." "Exactly," he'd reply. "Let's stop being here." And some little corner of my mind would think, Don't use Latin if you don't know what it means.

Or there was another guy who would--in moments when he was trying to sound especially profound--say, "There are none so blind as those who cannot see." Well, duh. I mean, that's the literal definition of blindness. I think what he meant to say was, "There are none so blind as those who will not see," which is how that saying is supposed to go. In any case, it drove me batty.

I'd much rather date somebody plain-spoken than somebody who tries to puff themselves up by saying things he clearly doesn't understand. Although, I'll admit I did once break up with a guy because he didn't know what the word "profound" meant, claiming never to have heard it. But, honestly, he was 30 years old, and what kind of a 30-year-old--who speaks English as his first and only language, mind you--has never encountered the word "profound"? He was either lying or had never read a single book in his entire life--neither of which struck me as particularly attractive.

I'm looking over all of this and seeing that I've racked up quite a long list. I think I'll go back to focusing on what turns me on, rather than what turns me off. That seems to make me happier. Perhaps a topic for next time...

Gwen Cooper is the author of Diary of a South Beach Party Girl, recently published by Simon & Schuster. To read all of Gwen Cooper's posts in "The Dating Life," click here.