It's Just Business

by Gwen Cooper — September 10, 2007

I was recently counseling a friend of mine, a young author whose first book is about to come out, through some difficulties she was having with her new publicist--who, although in my friend's employ, wasn't speaking to her very politely (or with even common courtesy) in their dealings together. When she called me with the latest tale of rudeness, I said to her, "Even though it's a business relationship, you have to think of it like dating. I mean, you'd break up with a guy who always talked to you this way, wouldn't you?"

It's always been my belief that romantic relationships and business relationships have a great deal in common. After all, if you take out the sexual aspect, what you have left in either case are two people or entities working toward what's hopefully a common goal of short-term satisfaction and possible long-term growth. So here are a few guidelines that I've learned over the years apply equally well to professional or dating interactions.

1. Know your dealbreakers, and be prepared to act on them.
   Maybe you're completely unwilling to marry someone from a different religious background, for example. Or maybe you won't last more than a month at a job that requires a three-hour commute each way. Everybody has certain criteria that they need, on a bottom-line level, to make them happy in life, but we often try to pretend as if we didn't already know this. If there's a guy who's the complete opposite of what you're attracted to physically, it doesn't matter if he's the greatest guy in the world--if you can't bring yourself to be "into" him sexually, it's a waste of both your time and his trying to talk yourself into being a "good" enough person to look past these things. And it's a waste of a company's time and money (as well as your own) to try to make a go of a job you know in your gut you won't be able to tolerate for more than 30 days. Some things transcend being a good person or a smart careerist--they simply are what they are. Don't kid yourself; you'll just end up hurting yourself, and those around you, worse in the long run.

2. Be a little gun-shy when it comes to issuing ultimatums.
   Nobody loses complete respect in either a romantic or a business relationship faster than the person who issues an ultimatum and then backs down when their bluff is called. If you tell a boyfriend, "I'm leaving if you don't propose by X date," be prepared to have either a ring appraiser or a moving van there by that date--and don't back down. The same goes for marching into your boss's office and saying, "If I don't get a raise this year, I'm leaving the company." If you give an ultimatum and end up not pulling the trigger when the moment of truth arrives, you'll be completely at the other person's mercy (and completely disrespected) for as long as you remain in the relationship. So pick and choose your ultimatums carefully, and only give them if you're really prepared to follow through.

3. The three C's: compromise, compromise, compromise
   No matter how in synch you are with your lover or your job, there will always be a point at which the specifics of what you want and the specifics of what your boyfriend or boss wants aren't exactly the same. Any good relationship--personal or professional--is about give and take. Always listen to what the person on the other side is saying, and be willing to give a little when and where you can. And you're entirely within your rights to expect the other party to do the same. If they don't, chances are you're in the wrong place.

4. Don't try to rule with an iron fist
   No matter how much power you think you have over your boyfriend or your co-workers, people get tired of being dictated to after a while. You may have reached the conclusion at some point that your boyfriend or your co-workers need you just a little bit more than you need them. Never make that assumption; there are always more women, more employees, and more jobs out there, and even the humblest person is apt to turn on you one day if pushed too far. Always being drunk with power is ultimately as unattractive--and unlikely to advance your personal or professional goals--as always being drunk.

Gwen Cooper is the author of Diary of a South Beach Party Girl, recently published by Simon & Schuster. To read all of Gwen Cooper's posts in "The Dating Life," click here.