What Are We Fighting For?

by Gwen Cooper — September 14, 2007

There are all kinds of arguments you have when you're part of a couple, but there's one particular argument that I've never quite been able to categorize, in terms of what it really means, or its barometer of the general health of a relationship. It's that kind of hypothetical argument about nothing personal that still manages to turn into a screaming, hair-tearing mess. Robert and I had such an argument last night, and although technically we've kissed and made up, I still can't figure out how a discussion about something so silly turned into such a screaming fest.

We were talking about film--specifically, about which films Robert would say are the great "New York" movies. He said Midnight Cowboy was high on his list. I said that I wouldn't call Midnight Cowboy a New York movie per se, in that the story was about two guys in New York, as opposed to being about New York. My point was that you could've told essentially the same story in LA or even London. Robert's point was that you could only call Midnight Cowboy a New York movie, because it so perfectly captured the New York of the era in which it was filmed.

Stupid, right? I mean, is this the kind of argument where either person is ever completely right or completely wrong? And even if it is--who cares? It's fun to have discussions about things like this from time to time, but is it ever really worth the yelling and even the eventual tears it ultimately led to?

I have a friend who told me she'd had a similar argument with a guy she was dating back when we first invaded Iraq in 2003. She thought the invasion was a mistake, he was all for it. And while it certainly was (and remains) a vital issue of the day, it should be the kind of thing you write angry letters to your Congressman or local newspaper about--not the kind of thing you tear your boyfriend a new one over.

Her opinion, looking back on things (and given that they broke up soon after), was that the fight wasn't really about Iraq. It was about the things that weren't working in their relationship, and this particular "discussion" was just an excuse for the two of them to yell at each other.

I find that completely understandable, but is that always the case? Does Robert's and my little throw-down over Midnight Cowboy mean we're actually secretly furious with each other over all kinds of little things that would hit much closer to home--too close to be discussed openly? Or are we just two people who really, really care about making our point when it comes to subjects we're interested in?

I have no idea. In the meantime, though, I'm going to watch Midnight Cowboy again this weekend. It's been years since I've seen it, and any movie that warrants an hour of heated, plate-throwing argument probably also warrants at least a second viewing.

Gwen Cooper is the author of Diary of a South Beach Party Girl, recently published by Simon & Schuster. To read all of Gwen Cooper's posts in "The Dating Life," click here.