Looming Train Wreck

by Nicholas Allen — October 10, 2007

It’s usually cause for celebration when one of your best friends tells you she’s getting married. But that wasn’t so much the case when my friend Rebecca and her boyfriend took Patricia and me out for dinner last night and broke the news that they were engaged. It was one of those times when you can feel everybody’s eyes on you, waiting to see what your reaction will be, and you know the expression on your face gives away much more than you’d like it to.

Lest you think I have any kind of selfish interest in the matter, let me say that Rebecca and I have never dated—never gone out as more than friends, never been attracted to each other, none of it. We could be brother and sister for all the chemistry between us, and I’ve watched with amusement over the past 15 years as she’s systematically dated, and discarded, the overwhelming majority of my guy friends.

I just don’t like this guy who Rebecca’s with. I don’t think he makes her especially happy. I don’t think he treats her especially well. On the other hand, he hasn’t committed anything like a gross enough impropriety that would justify my going to Rebecca—with all a man’s righteous fury—and insisting that, for her own good, she reconsider things.

Patricia and I put on our best happy faces during dinner (actually, Patricia was genuinely happy—not knowing these two very well, but feeling naturally enough that any engagement was cause for celebration). I brought up a discussion about it when the two of us were having coffee alone after dinner. Partly, I sensed that she might have seen my less-than-thrilled reaction and attributed it to the wrong cause (like latent jealousy, or something). I subtly wanted to tell her that she had nothing to worry about as far as my feelings for Rebecca go, but I also really wanted to hear what Patricia thought.

"Unless she asks, you really can’t say anything," Patricia said. "And even if she does, you still probably shouldn’t, unless you know for a fact this guy is doing something wrong. I mean—this is the guy she’s going to marry." Patricia emphasized the word "marry." "She basically has to take his side against yours, if it comes down to it. Say things against him now, and you could find yourself cut out of their lives."

Sage advice, and I can’t say that I completely disagree. On the other hand, I’m a problem-solver by nature. It’s nearly impossible for me to sit idly by when I see a train wreck looming and not do anything to avert the disaster.

So, do I pretend like I think everything is hunky dory, or do I speak my mind? I wish I knew the answer...

Nicholas Allen is a writer and columnist based in Manhattan. To read all of his blogs, click here.