My Friend John

by Nicholas Allen — October 4, 2007

Every guy has that one crazy friend he’s known forever, and I’m no exception. I’ve known my friend John for upwards of 30 years. John’s the kind of guy who’s always in trouble of some sort or another, and most of that trouble is with the fairer sex. The women I’ve dated have usually been somewhat bemused by John, wondering how (and why) it is that two guys so seemingly different from each other have remained friends for so long. Sometimes it’s even been the source of arguments with girlfriends—those who think that perhaps I shouldn’t spend as much time with John as I do.

My day usually begins with a phone call from John at around 9:00am, giving me the rundown on the night before. Since he usually doesn’t get home until around 6:00 in the morning, I think it shows remarkable restraint that he waits an entire three hours to tell me all about what girl he met in what bar, the diners and after-hours clubs she dragged him—or he dragged her—out to in the middle of the night, the strange apartment he’s woken up in, the fight he had with one girl because he ran into her unexpectedly while accompanied by a completely different girl...you get my drift.

My favorite story about John is the time he was visiting LA and hooked up with a woman he was friendly with. And by "hooked up," I mean had sex. And by "had sex," I mean the two of them were in the middle of the very act when the girl’s boyfriend walked into the apartment and found them. John had just had a nose job, and so when the understandably irate boyfriend tried to land a few punches on John’s face, John instinctively thrust the girl in question between himself and the guy’s fists until he was able to make it out the front door and run for it. The girl, I am happy to report, remained unharmed during this scuffle. We call it The Time John Used a Girl as a Human Shield.

I remember telling this story to Patricia, and her adorable little nose wrinkled with thinly disguised distaste. "I mean, I know you’re friends with this guy and all, but..." She let the sentence trail off, but I knew what she was getting at.

The kicker to the whole thing, I told Patricia, is that this girl has long since broken up with her boyfriend, but she and John remain incredibly close friends. For all the misdeeds John has perpetrated against various women over the course of his colorful career, most of them still adore him. John’s an actor and comedian, and they’ll faithfully show up wherever he’s performing, nurse him when he’s sick, bail him out of trouble when he needs bailing out. There are just those people, I tell Patricia, who seem to command far more sympathy than anyone can say they deserve. And even Patricia will be the first one to tell you that, if she didn’t know anything about John other than what she saw, she’d find him funny and charming and entirely entertaining.

Is that his secret? Do we all forgive him everything because he’s so good at making us laugh? Truly, I don’t know.

My friend John, ladies and gentleman—the smartest guy I know.

Nicholas Allen is a writer and columnist based in Manhattan. To read all of his blogs, click here.