Why Men Don't Call, Part 2

by Nicholas Allen — October 8, 2007

Back in June, I posted a blog on the subject of why men don’t call when we say we will. At the time, my humble assertion was that the reason we don’t call is because we don’t want to—nothing more or less complex than that. A couple of forum posters have commented on this blog in the past few days, gently disagreeing with me and going so far as to suggest that we men are secretly bitter, twisted, emotionally stunted wash-ups, and that’s why we don’t call. So I thought I’d go back and readdress the topic.

A poster identifying herself as "Paris" (Paris, you read my blog? I’m so incredibly flattered!) went off on a riff about childhood traumas and men’s inability to trust women—or anybody—and all that sort of thing. Well, Paris is right in observing that some of us are carrying around some pretty heavy emotional baggage. I’m going to assume that there are more than a few women out there about whom the same could be said.

Again, though, I have to keep coming back to the idea that this isn’t the reason most of us choose not to call. We say we’ll call when we don’t mean it, because it just seems easier most times to say what a woman wants to hear than to have a big conversation about what she didn’t want to hear. And then, when we’re by ourselves and nobody’s around to confront us, we do what we wanted to do in the first place (in this case, not calling). Hey—I’m not saying it’s right. And, as I noted in that first blog, I try very hard to be the guy who never says he’ll call when he isn’t going to, no matter how uncomfortable that admission may make things. My only point is that you don’t need a Psych 101 handbook to figure out why your phone isn’t ringing. A man who doesn’t call doesn’t feel like calling. Period. It really is as simple as that.

Well what about, Paris continues, a man who’s really busy with work? Ladies, again, this is the kind of overly complicated false explanation that you should get in the habit of putting right out of your heads. I don’t care how busy somebody is—if you really want to, you find 60 seconds in your day to make a "just checking in" phone call. If you’re not doing that, it’s because making the call simply isn’t high on your priority list. Don’t you want to only date guys to whom you’re important, no matter how busy they are?

One of the other commenters to this post agreed with me, but kind of misinterpreted the point. Clearly, she said, when a man doesn’t call a woman, it’s because she’s lacking something the man is looking for. I think that argument makes it far too personal. There are an infinite number of reasons why any one man and any one woman won’t mutually "click" on a romantic level. Thinking of it in terms of what you might be lacking places undeserved responsibility on your shoulders. Why make it about you? Sometimes things just don’t work out. Gravity makes things fall down. Rain is wet. Not every person can fall in love with every eligible member of the opposite sex. These are immutable, physical laws of the universe, and why not just accept them without making it personal?

In conclusion, I can only go back to how I concluded my previous post on this subject: Don’t spend too much time thinking about the ones who don’t call. It isn’t worth it. We’re not worth it. Save your time, energy, heartbreak, and penetrating powers of psychological insight for the guys who are worth it—the ones who want to call, who want to be there with you, and who never—ever—make you wonder for even a second what it is you might be lacking. No man, or woman, is worth that.

Nicholas Allen is a writer and columnist based in Manhattan. To read all of his blogs, click here.