You Can't Un-Ring a Bell

by Nicholas Allen — October 6, 2007

Sometimes people ask questions and then wish they’d never heard the answers. Case in point: My friend John (whom I wrote about in my last post) has been dating a woman for the past couple of months. Things have been progressing from "not serious at all" to "bordering on serious," and they’ve reached the point where they’re sharing more information about their respective pasts. On the heels of this week’s Time Out New York, which is their annual "sex issue," John and his girl have been having some frank discussions about their sexual pasts. And John hasn’t exactly been thrilled with some of what he’s learned.

Not that anything she’s done, at least in my estimation (based on what I’ve heard from John) is so far beyond the pale. There’s some of your garden-variety threesomes, light bondage, and a few visits to New York sex clubs in her past. While I think she can safely be described as "experimental," it doesn’t seem unlike the things a lot of people do when they’re in their twenties and exploring their sexuality.

I don’t think John’s really judging her, though. I think it’s more that he—for all of his wild stories and crazy exploits—tends to be kind of conservative when it comes to the actual doing of the deed. He’s a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy when it comes to his sexual philosophy, and his new girlfriend is obviously experimenting with some more exotic menu offerings. I think his concern, deep down, is that maybe she secretly thinks he’s boring.

Which brings me back to my original point—that it’s never a good idea to ask a question if you know in your heart you wouldn’t be able to accept certain answers. Once the genie’s out of the bottle there’s no getting him back in, which means guys ought to think long and hard before deciding to open that bottle in the first place.

For my own part, I’m never especially concerned with what a girlfriend has or hasn’t done in the past. What’s of most interest to me is how sexually (and otherwise) compatible the two of us are in the here-and-now.

The one thing I’d never want to hear from a woman I’m involved with is that some previous lover was better than I was. Which is why I never ask the question—because once you’ve heard the answer, you’ll never be able to pretend that you didn’t. And if the answer isn’t one you want...well, you can’t un-ring a bell, as the saying goes.

Nicholas Allen is a writer and columnist based in Manhattan. To read all of his blogs, click here.