The What-If Girl

by Benjamin Todd — November 23, 2007

My ex got married.

We were teenagers when we met. Just old enough to drive and not old enough to know any better. It was the kind of summer romance that leaves you wishing August could last all year. I teased her about her funny-shaped toes, and she playfully teased me about a red Triceratops t-shirt she saw me wearing in a childhood photo (my favorite shirt as a kid). That summer she taught me more about myself than a family tree ever could. It was puppy love, but it was love.

The timing was bad and when the summer ended, we went our separate ways. We started to drift apart in the way that most summer flings tend to. But I couldn't help but feel like she and I had shared something special. It was a few months later that I realized just how special when I found a birthday care package from her. Inside was an adult sized red t-shirt with a Triceratops on the front, exactly the same as the one she'd made fun of a few months previous. To this day I maintain that it was the most thoughtful gift I've ever received.

Every birthday since then she's called to wish me well. She even surprised me once by showing up at my front door. Every time we saw each other it was like no time had passed since I'd last held her in my arms. But in reality our visits were growing further apart, and so were we. Years would pass and we'd go months without talking. But still, every time we reunited, when I saw her smile I was transported back to that summer she and I spent together driving around in my parent's station wagon.

Our infrequent visits became more and more formal as she and I both found significant others. But it didn't stop us from having a grand old time when we got together. We'd commiserate about my girlfriend's insecurities and her boyfriend's aggressive fraternity brothers. It wasn't how either of us envisioned our future love lives, but we were both happy in our own ways.

We lost each other in this last year or two. With her living abroad and me living in Hollywood, our friendship was downgraded from 'close friends' to 'old acquaintances.' But she still called when my birthday rolled around, even though she was living in Spain at the time.

I think a small part of me always thought that she and I would get another chance together. But fate and timing decided otherwise. I remember hearing the news of her marriage from one of my friends and I wasn't surprised that it hadn't come from her. I don't know if she would have been comfortable telling me herself.

I don't know if it's ever easy to fully let someone go. Certainly we want only the best for the ones we truly care about. I know that she has a good man now and he makes her happy and that in the end, that's all that really matters. My wedding gift to her will be to stay away for good this time. But I'll always wonder what might have happened if a few things had been different. And I'll always have that red t-shirt hanging in my closet.