I Just Need Some Space

by Benjamin Todd — December 12, 2007

Fantastic, you're communicating. It's a start, but it's a long way from perfect.

Back story: She said she needed space, so she went out for a few hours. She said "This apartment is too small for us to both to be here right now. I'm going out tonight because I'm feeling crowded." After too many 'few hours' he found her drinking at their favorite bar at 5a.m. and dragged her home.

Who's to blame? Both. Neither. Of course he freaked out; he didn't know what he'd done wrong in the first place. Of course she freaked out; she said she wanted space and he didn't give it to her.

I love this person dearly and in no way want it to appear like I'm judging her (just wanted to clarify), but when she called me and told me the story, I explained that while neither she nor her live-in boyfriend were more to blame, they could have avoided the argument altogether with some improved communication.

YEARS ago, back when I had no idea what communication was, I witnessed what I can now call an eye-opening event. My friend looked her spastic boyfriend in the eye and said, "Honey, you are annoying me right now. I'm cranky from a lack of sleep and I need you to leave me alone before I say something I don't mean." He closed up faster than a bear trap and kept his mouth shut for the rest of the day. He knew if he wanted to be around her, he was going to have to do so in a manner that wouldn't piss her off.

It blows me away sometimes when I'm the communicative one in the relationship. Women are supposed to be the ones in touch with their feelings. But I suppose acknowledging emotions and expressing emotions communicatively are two different things. There are so many NON-OFFENSIVE ways of telling your partner that you need them out of your hair. Not saying anything is disastrous for everyone. But failing to elaborate and clarify your meaning when you do speak up isn't much better. Speak up, calmly and clearly. And call me if he freaks out on you.

Read all of Benjamin Todd's posts to The Dating Life.