The Boyfriend Girlfriend Conversation

by Benjamin Todd — December 14, 2007

You like each other, right? So you hang out, date, whatever, and a month goes by and somehow you've never brought up the subject of where things are headed. God forbid you started sleeping together (or you've dated for several months already--the two are equivalent in my book) before discussing what you want from each other.

I love every roommate I've ever had, but there's something a little disheartening in hearing them all come to me complaining, wondering "what do I do?" when their make-out-partner brings up the topic of a relationship. Yes, they come to me wanting to know how to put off the conversation longer. And it's not a one-time occurrence; these guys are all repeat offenders.

"Things are great. Why do we need to put a label on it?" Sound familiar? He's joking with his buddies about that non-conversation when you're not around, and I'm not kidding.

Ever heard of a comedian named Mitch Hedberg? He's responsible for this one; "I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that." It's this mindset that's keeping men single and women feeling used.

"Well, we haven't actually TALKED about it, but I know he's not seeing anyone else." That one is like fingernails on a chalkboard. That sentence implies too much maturity on our behalf; which means you're giving my gender WAY too much credit.

I hate to spoil all their fun, but these boys/people who seem to change the subject every time you bring up the boyfriend/girlfriend thing are not going to commit any time soon or for very long if you manage to wrestle them (or seduce them) into a relationship. I understand that it's awkward to bring up such a topic when you haven't known each other very long, but there are plenty of ways to find out his intentions. My favorite approach is the straightforward one in which you politely say that you're not just looking for a 'good time' anymore. Maybe at this time, you are just looking for a good time, or you're indifferent because he didn't inspire you to make plans for the future. If so, then don't hold back and have your fun. But diving head first into relationship behavior without clarifying things BEFORE you're vulnerable is playing with fire.

Ask him about his last relationship. Ask him if he's ever had his heart broken. Ask him anything that will get him to open up. But PLEASE don't assume that just because you're worth his commitment that he's going to offer it.

Read all of Benjamin Todd's posts to The Dating Life.