Friends with the Ex

by Benjamin Todd — January 3, 2008

It shouldn't be a big deal, but it is. We can't judge someone by their looks, or their clothes, religion, politics, or family. But the company they keep is open for any and all scrutiny. I've been friends with my exes, I even still have friends that were once more than just that, but it's becoming clearer these days that real relationships can't be immediately followed by real friendships (and that I've been a jerk for attempting shenanigans).

The aftermath of a break up is an instability that is leveled off by bouts of depression, sad songs and support from your closest friends. During this period the only thing that is desired that shouldn't be acquired is contact with the ex. Yet somehow, some of us get suckered into believing that a friendship is possible between us and them. Sure they understand our pain, and they know what's wrong and sometimes just the sound of their voice is enough to make us forget the pain that was caused by them in the first place. It's all bad medicine.

Singles who are friends with their exes should come with large warning signs on their backs. Anyone who can really be okay with being friends with their ex was obviously never really that into the relationship in the first place. I'm a firm believer that once you're in love with someone, a part of you will always be in love with that person. I just don't see it being possible to jump out of bed and into a friendship with someone. What attributes we find amiable about our ex/friend are the same qualities we found appealing when we fell for them the first time. Letting yourself, myself, get suckered into appreciating those qualities again is not only prolonging the hypothetical heartache, its exacerbating it. If you had feelings, real feelings for the other person, then you just can't allow yourself to be 'friends' shortly after the break up.

I had always felt that an ex is someone who shared enough common interests with and have enough of the same passions that it would be a disservice to both parties to not maintain some sort of relationship. After a little growing up and a little heartache, it's more than clear that friendship status is really only acceptable for those parties who never really let themselves get attached. Beware those singles who maintain strong relationships with their exes; their hearts are seemingly more guarded than the average individual.

Read all of Benjamin Todd's posts to The Dating Life.